Unbelievable, really...

I could go on and on and on and on about this past week, but I'll leave it at this... God loves me. He wants good things for me. He longs to give me the desires of my heart.

It's nice to be reminded.  :)

Trust vs. Worry

From my journal earlier this year:

1/30/11

I used to worry a lot more than I do now. In fact, I feel like fear may have destroyed some relationships in my life. I was so busy worrying about what they were not that I didn't enjoy what they were. So, I've put worry behind me... to a great extent. But, I do sometimes fear loss and the future. I was wondering this morning what it is that I'm most afriad of. I think that I'm most afraid of being alone... not so much now but at some unspecified point in the future. I'm afraid of growing old and having no one around me. I'm afraid of having no spouse and no kids. I'm afraid of life passing me right by.

But, what's the worst thing that would happen? I get to enjoy my friends and do whatever I feel like doing... whatever incredible things God calls me to.

...

Papa,

You know the deepest desires of my heart. If those aren't of you, please take them from me and replace them with your desires. If they are pleasing to you, give me patience to wait on your timing. Help me be bold when I need to be and passive when I need to be. Don't let me destroy the blessings of friendships in my life by trying to force them to be something they were never meant to be.

I do trust you. And I will continue to do so. Help me in knowing how to best guard my heart.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  ~  Proverbs 4:23

Mushrooms

I really enjoy fresh mushrooms on my salads. It's a new thing... the last year or so. They're particularly good on a salad with blue cheese and strawberries, among other things. What's funny is that every once in awhile I taste them and think, "wow, these taste exactly like.... mushrooms."

I know that's ridiculous, but that really is what I think. I guess most of my life up until now, I've only really had canned mushrooms that I might buy to put on pizza. And, for the most part, fresh mushrooms are so different from those mushrooms. But, every once in awhile, they match up... and the "new" fresh mushrooms connect me back to the mushrooms I grew up with.

Commit Your Life to a Multiplying Community

Who knew this might be the most challenging point for me! I've been bouncing around churches the last year-plus. I've been attending a larger church most recently... very consistently for several months now. But, I haven't taken much of any step to get involved. And to be honest, I'm not sure it's a place I could see myself long-term. I enjoy the sermons very much, but otherwise, I'm probably not a huge fan of the ministry style/philosophy. For the last couple of years, I think I've learned more about my personal (and Biblical) views on the purpose of the church, though I also believe God uses a variety of different church models and ministry styles to reach people who don't yet know Him.

What I miss most from my previous church home is the ability for the church (or at least the core members/attenders) to sit around in one room and be able to dream together about the ministry to which God has called us. There's nothing quite like the sense of common purpose and unity in Spirit that comes from seeking Christ together and being on mission together. It seems to me like that's most effective in a smaller context.

I do feel like God is orchestrating this next step in my faith journey. I'm not sure yet what form it will take or how quickly it will happen, but I'm definitely excited about committing myself to a multiplying community.

Spend Your Time in Another Context

David Platt encourages his readers to spend 2% of their coming year (approximately 1 week) serving in another context. That could be on an overseas mission trip or simply an area of town that gets someone out of his/her comfort zone.

I love traveling, so an overseas trip seems like a logical choice; however, I have to check my motivation sometimes for taking trips like that. Though regardless of my motivation, I've always been challenged as a result of trips like that. Challenged and humbled. There are so many needs around the world. When I'm comfy at home, I barely even recognize those needs.

Another option: homeless ministry. I have some friends who have been going out to a local park every Thursday night for the past two years simply to have dinner with some of our city's homeless (or less-fortunate... as many of them have some place to stay). It's been an eye-opening experience, though I've been very inconsistent at going... here and there... as it's convenient.

Another context: Children's ministry?! ;) Surprising as it is, I was thinking here recently how much I've enjoyed my nieces when they've been in the 2-3 year old range. I wonder what it would be like to help with some pre-school aged kids either in a church or other context. That would definitely be out of my comfort zone. But, I think I might really enjoy it.

Sacrifice Your Money for a Specific Purpose

To be honest, I think I'm a little weird here. I'm pretty consistent at giving (tithing... and even beyond). That being said, giving SACRIFICIALLY is something all together different. It's easy to give when there's "excess." It's much more difficult when it cuts into my comfortable living.

I haven't been plugged into a specific church for awhile, so I've been challenged to know WHERE to give. I've been setting amounts aside and giving them as I feel led. It's been fun in some ways, I've still been giving through some churches I've been attending, but it's been fun to direct some of my "offerings" to individuals in need, missions and other special projects. It's a different feeling being able to see the final recipient of a gift. When I give through a church, I don't always get to see how those dollars are used (which is good in terms of requiring faith in God and church leaders to direct those funds). So, giving to smaller organizations and people provides a different kind of satisfaction. It's much more tangible.

Ideas for giving...

The purpose: foreign missions, homeless ministry, sponsor a child. I have an idea related to a specific individual, too.

The sacrifice: drop the little bit of cable I currently have ($15/mo), sell something... not sure what that would be, though. I actually keep a fairly trim budget. Maybe, at this point, it makes more sense to just DIRECT the funds I'm currently setting aside for giving? Or am I just rationalizing my own selfishness. Hrmmm...

To do items: email a friend to get an idea. Check.

Read Through the Entire Word

Good challenge. I really think there's nothing MORE important to read, and yet... I often find myself reading everything EXCEPT God's Word. I have read the entire Word. I'm embarrassed to say it took me several years, but I just kept working my way through a One Year Bible and finally made it to the end. I was back up through May last year when our small group decided to read it together. Fortunately it was right about May, so I picked up with them and read fairly consistently, though I know I skipped through a few sections to stay up with them. Regardless. I may pick up in May again and read through the end. No specific plan yet, though, which usually means trouble. Here are some ideas...

MORNING - I could get up early to read, though I have conflicts several mornings a week (unless I get up even earlier than early).

EVENINGS - Might be okay, but they can be sporadically busy. I do often watch TV before going to bed. I enjoy that routine, but that definitely isn't as important as being in God's Word. Reminds me that in high school that's when I did my most consistent Bible reading. Any better options?

LUNCH - I think that would be difficult and inconsistent... though I might be able to pull others in with me.

SPORADIC/WEEKENDS - Last year with our small group, I would find two or three times a week to hunker down and read several days worth in one sitting. That might be a possibility, but it tends to be inconsistent and easy to fall behind.

DAILY - Seems like a daily routine is more sustaining. I eat of food regularly... might as well do the same with my "daily bread."

Evenings sound like the best bet. If you're reading this now... be sure and ask me how I'm doing.

Reading tonight: in Deuteronomy & Luke (might as well pick up on April 4th)
Praying for: the country of Chile

Pray for the Entire World

Sounds overwhelming, doesn't it?! Okay, so to be completely honest, I don't pray enough anyway, But, in order to pray for the world, Platt recommended a website... Operation World. What struck me as highly ironic is that I accidentally wandered across this site not more than a couple of weeks ago. I was randomly looking up information online about Croatia (my family's homeland... back three generations). Croatia is just one of the countries included on the daily prayer list there.

So, even a couple of weeks ago, God's Spirit seemed to be leading me there. I began April 1st and have prayed so far for Central African Republic and Botswana. (Botswana seemed to be the country for both April 2nd and 3rd.) I've been praying for not only the people there, but also that God would raise up workers to send out into the field, for (as you may know) the fields are ripe unto harvest.

As a bonus... it may be good for honing my substandard geogrphy skills.

Winds of Change

The wind is crazy today. Even here inside my house, I feel like I have a thin layer of dust all over my body. I think some storms may roll in later. I absolutely LOVE storms. Maybe not storms that cause me to fear for my life, but I do love a good old fashioned thunderstorm. Rain, thunder, lightening. Ah... but for now we just have wind... and LOTS of it.

I just finished reading David Platt's book "Radical." Good read. I highly recommend it. That being said, I realized toward the end of the book that it's easy to read challenging books, dream of "radical" change in my life and then turn around to simply read another challenging book that will do the same. Fortunately this one challenges me to pursue the same things (for the most part) I'm naturally inclined to pursue... just fail at sometimes. Here is primary (five-part) gauntlet Platt throws down:

1. pray for the entire world;
2. read through the entire Word;
3. sacrifice your money for a specific purpose;
4. spend your time in another context;
5. commit your life to a multiplying community.

Since I have a lot to say on each of these, I'll spend the next five posts doing specifically that.

I'm as Shocked as You Are

So, it's crazy, isn't it?! I've had this blog for over six years now, and this is the first time I've ever given it a face lift. It was a little too easy, though, so I'm afraid it could now change with every whim and mood shift.

"Let's check the mood-o-meter!"

But, it's kind of a nice change, if you ask me. I've a feeling change is in the air anyway...

My Life on a (Virtual) Piece of Paper

There are nights like this, when I nearly believe it's possible to sit down and express the whole of my being - every feeling I'm feeling, every hope I have, every doubt, every struggle, every longing. It never fails, though. I sit down to type and realize that I could never possibly come close to capturing the totality of what it is to be me at this moment. Sure, I could describe some of my fears or my secret thoughts, as I've done a few times before; however, they are woefully inadequate to sum up my life. Isn't that what we all secretly want, though? To be known? To be understood? To be loved because of, or in spite of, those things?

It reminds me of something Donald Miller wrote about in his book, Blue Like Jazz: "There are some places only God can go." Maybe it's enough to know that.

Gardening

My roommate got this idea in her head that she wanted to plant a garden. So, I let her dig up the "wild flower" garden in my back yard. She's done all the (literal) groundwork, but I helped her get some of the vegetables in the ground this past weekend. Here's what we've planted:

tomatoes, broccoli, green peppers, squash, garlic, green onions, jalapeno peppers, potatoes, cilantro, mint, rosemary and basil

Just a couple items to get us started.  ;) We'll see how long we can keep it all alive.

In addition, I picked up a few flowers: a geranium, creeping phlox and an African violet.

It's all Spring-like around the house!

David Platt, "Radical"

"We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with.

A nice, middle-class, American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affection. A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just the way we are. A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter, wants us to avoid danger altogether. A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream.

But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and lift up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves."

Daffodils

So we have a bunch of daffodils in a vase on the dining room table. They're from the "wildflower" garden... or what was once the "wildflower" garden. It's soon to be a vegetable garden proper. Becky, my roommate, has done most of the ground work (literally). Now it's up to us to decide what to plant, how to plant it and how to keep it alive. Wish us luck!

(I'd post a pick of the daffodils, but I'm too tired. Plus... you know what daffodils look like.)

Media Update

Currently reading:

"A Tale of Two Cities" - Dickens
"Here and Now" - Henry Nouwen

In the queue:

"Radical" - David Platt

Currently watching:

"The Money Pit" - Old School Tom Hanks / Shelley Long

Need to be doing currently:

Sleeping

Eyes Half Shut

So I'm tired. It's been a busy week. I'm not specifically affected by busy season, but it's kept me running anyway. There are a ton of projects I need to accomplish in the next couple of months that would make my (work) life a hundred times easier. So, I'm plugging away... hoping to make some headway.

It's been a rough-ish couple of weeks. I think my small group is going to stop meeting. It was only a matter of time, so I'm not completely caught off-guard by it. But, I figure I've been leading (involved, at the very least) small groups pretty much non-stop for the last 10+ years. Although they get wearing at times, I enjoy hosting, leading discussions and loving on people. The nights I'm most worn down going in, I seem to come out most blessed. But, in this season of life, that group has probably been a bit of a crutch for me. As long as I've had that community, I haven't felt the same desire/need to find a new Christian community. So, I'm feeling temporarily disconnected. I know that's mostly in my head, because I could pick up the phone any time if I had a need or wanted to get together. But, it makes me feel like a balloon... floating alone... off into space... without someone to catch my string and pull me back down.

I've also been reminded that some things in life NEVER change.  :)  I'm being a bit facetious, of course. A friend suggested the other day that part of the reason I'm single (not his exact words) is the age of the guys I hang out with. What?! Anyway, it made me consider the age range of the guys I've dated (sometimes briefly). Oldest: maybe six or seven years older.Youngest: not quite ten years younger. Preference: I always imagined I'd be with someone about two years older. Oh well... who knows? I sure don't. I do remember a couple of ladies in my small groups of yesteryears who were pushing 40. They seemed to be distraught over not being married and not having kids. To be honest, part of me wanted to tell them, "maybe you should start to accept the fact that those things may never happen for you." I wonder how many people secretly want to tell me the same.

All that being said, one of the ladies in my accounting group at work told me that her sister says if she had it to do again, she wouldn't have gotten re-married. She apparently has a great husband, too, but she's independent and just misses that aspect of being single. Isn't it true of all of us? We all want what we can't (or don't) have.  :)

Mississippi Mud a la Tonka

It's been a rough week at work. That makes it difficult to go to bed, because I know I'll just be getting up to go back again. It's not that I don't enjoy my job... just a stressful week dealing with clients regarding collection issues. 

Anyway, I was just thinking of a restaurant in Kansas City, MO... located in the Country Club Plaza. It's a little restaurant/bar called "Tomfooleries." It has a train that runs along a track above the tables and bar, which is pretty awesome. The other fun thing is its signature dessert, "Mississippi Mud a la Tonka." It's a Mississippi Mud dessert that is served in the back of a Tonka truck. I haven't had it in years, but I have a friend who lives right up the hill from it. I may have to wander down there again next time I'm up that way.

Arguments

So Superman is on TV... the old 1978 movie. They've made some amazing improvements in special effects since then.  ;) But, I texted my sister, initially thinking it was Superman II, which lead to this blog post. My sister and I have had some random arguments over the years. I thought I'd tell you about a few of them.

The "Superman II" argument

When I was still fairly young, my dad built us a new house. While it was being built, we lived in a duplex in town and were able to get cable television for the first time ever. During that eighteen months, Superman II was on pretty much non-stop. In fact, we had ever line memorized. To be honest, I don't recall the exact argument. I think we fought about whether Lois Lane INTENTIONALLY or UNINTENTIONALLY fell into Niagara Falls and subsequently had to be rescued by Superman. Thinking back, it had to be intentional, because she was testing her theory as to whether her new husband, Clark Kent, was, in fact, Sueprman. So, surely that was my position in the argument.  ;)

The "Cute, White Little Teddy Bear" Argument

My sister and I both claimed it. I couldn't even tell you where it is now. (She probably has it!)

The Infamous "Almond Peanuts" Argument

This one lives on. Michelle and I still argue about it. She was telling me one time about these new "almond peanuts," which, of course, made absolutely no sense to me. Finally it came out that she was really talking about the new "Almond M&Ms." She SWEARS she was saying "Almond M&Ms" the whole time, but I don't believe her. Which would confuse you more... "almond peanuts" or "Almond M&Ms." Really.

I'm sure we've had more arguments than that, but these are my favorite, mostly unresolved, arguments. :) Love you, Sis!

Ah... Superman is finally SUPERMAN. Let the fun begin!

NYE

Ha... I'm watching an episode of "How I Met Your Mother." It's the "New Year's Eve" party episode, and Barney has an incredible line toward the end... "Ted, give it a rest. Stop trying to turn this night into anything more that what it is, which is New Year's Eve... which is the single biggest letdown of a night every single year."

So true, so true. Though, just like Valentine's Day, every once in awhile, I get surprised.  :)

Adendum: Godliness vs Contentment

As I was thinking about it a bit more this morning, it dawned on me that I can strive for godliness, but I won't fully reach it here on Earth. I wonder if that helps confirm the second part of that verse? I can, and SHOULD, strive for contement now, but I won't fully be content until I'm in the presence of my true soul's delight. LORD, hasten that day!  :)

In the meantime, I will often be left wanting. And, maybe it's helpful to know that, so I'm not putting that weight on someone who could never really fulfill that anyway.