The Weight of the World

 My youngest son seems to be drawn to saving. (That is probably "helped" by having two accountants as parents - one who turned banker earlier this year.) Both boys opened up their first savings accounts (at "Mommy's bank"), though Sterling is the one who keeps feeding me money to deposit. 

Side note: Where does he get all this cash, you ask? I have no idea. For him, it really may grow on trees. In truth, though, he gets the occasional cash from a kindly grandparent at Christmas or birthday. And, dad sometimes pays him for random tasks like doing push-ups.

Anyway, he handed me $5.71 the other day to deposit to his account, and that evening I brought him his deposit receipt. He faithful saves those in his piggy bank so he knows how much he has tucked away in the bank.

Just last night I asked him why he's saving so much. He told me that someday he may have kids, and he wants to be able to feed them. 

Aye! So sweet!... and yet heartbreaking in some way. I love his care and his sense of responsibility. I also wish he could stave off the worries of the world for a while longer and enjoy being a child. 

LORD, help me to teach my children "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own." (Help remind me of that, too!)

Oh, and Nehemiah

 This past year has been ONE.CRAZY.YEAR. When we decided to put our sights on KC, John accepted a job where he'd be working for himself but with a referral source out of Overland Park, KS. So, he was driving back and forth each week from September 2021 until we moved this summer. So, I was a single parent a good portion of the year. We were both working "busy seasons" in the Spring. I was also trying to help John stay afloat. (He has brought in clients hand over fist and has had difficulty keeping up!) I was also managing my own transition at work, kids in school and sports, etc., etc., etc. So... it really is incredible to be able to tell you that I've been reading the Bible through this year and have never been more than about 10 days behind all year. So, right now I'm reading through the book of Nehemiah, and Nehemiah 9 has really jumped off the page at me.

Nehemiah 9 consists of the Israelites recounting God's faithfulness to them - despite them turning away from him again and again and again and again (you get it). But here's a record of God's responses to their unfaithfulness:

v8 - "... you have done what you promised, for you are always true to your word."

v15 - "You gave them bread from heaven when they were hungry and water from the rock when they were thirsty."

v17 - "But you are a God of forgiveness, gracious and merciful, slow to become angry, and full of unfailing love and mercy. You did not abandon them."

v19 - "But in your great mercy you did not abandon them to die in the wilderness."

v20 - "You sent your good Spirit to instruct them."

v21 - "For forty years you sustained them in the wilderness. They lacked nothing in all that time. Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell!"

v25 - "Our ancestors captured fortified cities and fertile land. They took over houses full of good things, with cisterns already dug and vineyards and olive groves and orchards in abundance. So they ate until they were full and grew fat and enjoyed themselves in all your blessings."

 v27 - "In great mercy, you sent them deliverers who rescued them from their enemies."

v28 - "In your wonderful mercy, you rescued them repeatedly!"

v30 - "In your love, you were patient with them for many years. You sent your Spirit..."

v31 - "But in your great mercy, you did not destroy them completely or abandon them forever. What a gracious and merciful God you are!"

v32 - "And now, our God, the great and mighty and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of unfailing love..."

v33 - "Every time you punished us you were being just. We have sinned greatly, and you gave us only what we deserved."

v35 - "...you showered your goodness on them."

If you couldn't guess it, in between those verses are all the examples of the Israelites rejecting God - they were proud and stubborn, they refused to obey, refused to listen, they did not remember what God had done for them, rebelled, made an idol, committed terrible blasphemies, threw away your law, killed the prophets, turned to sin, were obstinate, turned their backs on God, refused to listen and on and on. 

God gets a bad rep in the Old Testament for being a "God of Wrath." And I see where people get that, but it's just because we identify more with the Israelites (who were deserving of wrath) than we do with God, whose constant expressions of mercy and love are so far beyond our ability to comprehend.

I Stopped By to Say "Hi"

 I was reviewing my past few years of blog posts. (It didn't take long at all.) A lot has happened in the past year. Front and center among them all has been a move from Tulsa to the Kansas City area. "Kansas City area" is a bit misleading. We are in a small town outside of KC - not too far from the town where I grew up. This move was an effort to be closer to my family.

Saying "bye" to Tulsa was difficult, though the actual day was made easier by the details of our departure. I had scheduled moving help at 2pm on a day in June. The helpers asked if they could come at 4pm instead. Though I didn't like it, I wasn't sure we'd be ready for them at 2pm. Instead, they showed up closer to 5pm. And, instead of taking two hours to pack the moving truck, it took four. By that time, we were sweaty and gross and in need of showers. We also still had some cleaning/straightening around the house that we were vacating. We finally pulled out of Tulsa - in a 26' moving truck (U-Haul) at midnight. That's right - we LEFT Tulsa at midnight. And, we were pulling our Ford Explorer BEHIND the U-Haul, which made us incredibly nervous. Not only were we exhausted, but we were terrified we'd lose the Explorer and not even notice it. (We couldn't see the Explorer from the front seats of the U-Haul!) Point is - I wasn't focused on the fact of pulling out of Tulsa for the last time (as residents, anyway). 

You might be asking yourself, "why in the world did you leave at midnight instead of waiting for daylight?!?! You must be insane!!" Yes... possibly. But, we had other moving help lined up in Kansas for 9am the next morning.

Except for a 30 minute stop for John to rest, we drove straight through and pulled in front of our new house at 6:00am. The only benefit, I would say, is that we didn't have to fight traffic in a 26' truck with a pull-behind Ford Explorer. 

Needless to say, though, we were exhausted! But... welcome (back) to Kansas for the Holland family!! 

What I Know to be True

 A friend of mine frequently texts me just see how my day was. Lately it's been difficult - long hours with work, kids starting school (through distance learning this week) and so on. Today, I was pleasantly surprised to text her that my day had been very good. That the boys and school and work all seemed somehow manageable... ENJOYABLE, in fact. 

Funny... but it really wasn't until that moment that I remembered how my day started - the way it should always start but rarely (much closer to "never") does... in quiet prayer, solitude and meditation. 

How is it I KNOW this to be true, and yet, it's so infrequent I take time quiet my spirit and to be alone with Jesus? It seems like the benefits, that so easily outweigh the cost, would keep me constantly and firmly rooted in that small but critical discipline. Why, instead, is it so difficult to do?

But after a day like today, and the season of life that trails behind me these last five or so months, I expect to make this a renewed cornerstone of my mornings.

God, help me do the things I know I ought to do... the things that you've designed me for (relationship with You) and built me to crave. 

"As the deer pants for streams of water,

    so my soul pants for you, my God.

2 

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God."

Psalm 42:1-2a

Ceramic dogs, boys, dolphins and aliens

We have a series of ceramic oddities around the house. Each of our boys has had a couple of opportunities to paint something ceramic for an activity at day care. It's difficult to tell what they are, mostly. Seriously... one may be a reclining alien, but I can't be sure.

Anyway, today, my older son brought home his newest treasure - a chihuahua that he had painted first grey and then gold over the top of that.

Imagine my horror this evening when I was sitting some stuff by my purse to take to work tomorrow and brought my hand back, catching the paper bag the chihuahua was apparently sleeping on. "Oh no!" I exclaimed as the dog fell to the tile floor breaking into three larger pieces and several very small pieces. That proves it. I am a horrible mother.

So, I told my husband I was going to grab the hot glue gun. To which he replied, "that won't work." (Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.)

Anyway, it's not perfect, but it's somewhat mended together. Fortunately, I think my son's love for me may possible outweigh the disappointment of the injury I've inflicted on his little chihuahua. Worst case scenario, we may be making a family trip to the ceramic painting place to create new ceramic artifacts for me to accidentally destroy another day.

C'est la vie!

Joined by his new family...

The Perspective of Boys

Every blog I've written the last few years starts with a comment about "how long it's been since I've blogged..." I chalk that up to the "married with kids" thing. But, I was drawn back to my blog to day to look for some documentation I know I had related to the birth of my first son, who turned 7 at 4:06PM today. In that process, I realized how much I miss blogging/journaling. It's not about have an audience, but it is about getting my thoughts and memories committed to "paper."

So, I thought I'd add something little while I'm here...

About a year ago, my husband took our two boys (who at the time were 3 and 5) to get cookies from a local coffee shop. They came home bragging about their cookies. "Mine was yellow!" "Mine was purple!" "Mom, mom, they were DINOSAUR footprints!!" Then John's deadpan response, "... or tulips."

Haha! What a great laugh! And, what a great commentary on the perspective of boys of the world around them. I absolutely LOVE it!

More soon... promise!

Since I'm here, I may as well capture this gem...

"Mommy, I can't be quiet. I only have loud things in my mouth right now." - Titus, 3.5 yrs, probably after being told to be quiet in order to not wake the sleeping baby.

"I'm not lost; I'm with you guys!"

I think this is the first time I've posted since the birth of my second son. Wow! Where did all my "free" time go?!

Anyway, my eldest is three now (closer to four, actually). He has an uncanny sense of direction. Even when he was only 18-24 months old, if we went on a walk in our neighborhood, he would be perfectly happy knowing we were walking AWAY from our house. The moment we'd make a turn back toward home, he would throw the biggest fit. I would dread walks just because I didn't want to fight my son the second half of the trip!

His sense of direction has continued to grow. He knows any time we pass "Mommy's work" and "Daddy's Work." If I head south from day care, he asks "Are we going to the bank?" He knows which way is church, the grocery store, and on.

So, it was entertaining one day recently when we were in a different area of town. He looked at a random building we were passing and said "Daddy's work!" John and I were somewhat surprised and both said, "Are you lost?!" Titus made a quick reply, "I'm not lost. I'm with you guys!"

Though it was very funny, I love the deeper truth it communicates - we're never lost when we're together.

We sang a song in church this morning with which I'm unfamiliar. But it had a phrase in it that reminded me of this story. "How can I be Lost when You have called me Found?" It's easy to feel a bit lost sometimes in life - unfocused, directionless, lonely. But, all we need is to be reminded that we have been found in Christ! He provides our focus. He provides our direction. He places the lonely in families.

What a precious, precious gift it is to be found in Christ!

Safeguarding Assets

John is often the one who makes the ATM withdrawal for our spending cash (AKA food budget). This morning, he asked me if I needed cash. I told him I'd be fine today but could use some tomorrow. This was all while I was getting Titus dressed for day care. He must have decided I needed the cash right then, so he trucked some down the front of my shirt into my bra.

Well, you guessed it! I had back-to-back meetings at work this morning. It was at the beginning of my THIRD meeting when a PARTNER (forunately female) told me I had cash protruding out of my shirt! HA! Needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed, but I don't think I've laughed (or cried) that hard in a long time!

It still makes me laugh when I think about it tonight! How embarrassing (though not my MOST embarrassing moment)! John thought it was pretty hilarious, too, and was happy to have contributed to my embarrassment.

Instant-Gratification Cleaning

I'd like to think I and one of my former roommates, Becky, coined this term. It refers to the kind of cleaning that gives one a deep sense of satisfaction. It provides an immediate and noticable improvement. I'm not sure why I love this kind of cleaning, other than there's an immediate payoff on my labor. (One caveat: bathrooms. I'd rather they be as clean as possible before I start cleaning. I realize that's unrealistic. Why else would I be cleaning? So what I mean is that I don't get any great sense of satisfaction in cleaning a nasty bathroom. Yuck!)

Anyway, my project for this weekend was definitely instant-gratification. My husband rented a high pressure washer from Home Depot so we could give our back deck a much-needed washing. It was LONG overdue. (So long that I kind of regret posting this picture for fear you think I live in filth.)

This project also reminded me of when my Daddy built this deck for me. He was suggesting building materials. After mentioning all the possible kinds of lumber to use he said, "or you might want to consider using an composite. It's a bit more expensive, but very low maintenance." On that note, the deal was sealed. Composite it was. And, low maintenance is has been (though it's obviously been due for a spray down for quite some time now).

As they say, the proof is in the pudding...

5am Snuggles

My son awoke at 5am this morning. I gave him ample time to doze back to sleep, but after a few minutes of fussing, I got up to check on him. I picked him up and snuggled him up. He was antsy at first, but I held him firmly. He settled back next to me and just looked up at me with his big, lovely eyes. I just looked at him and smiled. We snuggled for quite awhile before he fell asleep again. Each time I would open my eyes he would still be looking up at me, until finally he was out.

Though I enjoy my own sleep, in a bed instead of a glider, I couldn't help but think these days are limited. Soon these snuggly mornings will be a thing of the past. Soon my son will be either "too cool" or too busy for cuddling with Mommy.

So, for now, I take hold of these precious moments and cherish them, for always, in my heart.

An Honest Grade Card

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! (‭Galatians‬ ‭5‬:‭22-23‬ NLT)

I memorized this one a long time ago, enough so it rolls off the tongue. Often I don't think much about what I'm saying when I recite the list, "love, joy, peace, patience..."

I've been thinking a lot about the fruit of the Spirit this week. I've been examining my own life and how I feel like I do in each of these areas. I've heard sermons/studies before about why it's the fruit (singular) of the Spirit versus the fruits (plural) of the Spirit. But, I can't reason that out in my mind tonight. I think it has something to do with the fact that we're not blessed with one or two fruits and lacking in others. Every believer has the FRUIT of the Spirit. We should have ALL of these qualities, in increasing quantities. (I'm going to pretend that's what it means. If I find out differently, I'll post on that another day.)

So, here's the grade card I give myself:

Love: C

I suppose it's easy to love those who love me. I'm not sure I excel at loving those who don't love me... or those who are very different than me.

Joy: B

I've made some improvements in this area. I remember a handful of years ago praying to be more joyful. Writing this is the first time I realized that God answered that prayer!

Peace: A

Over the years I've come to rest in that peace that "transcends all understanding" (Phil 4:6-7). I recognize worry as a sort of sin in my own life - a realization that I either don't trust God or don't believe he has good intentions toward me. I would never say those things with my mouth, so why should I live my life like I believe them?

Patience: A-

Eh. Always room to grow.  : )  I just asked my husband, and he said I get an "A."

Kindness: A

Is "kindness" the same as being "nice"? I was always the "nice" girl growing up. (Isn't that a sort of derogatory term these days?) Anyway, as I type this, I'm being reminded of the snide thoughts I was thinking about the women on the elevator with me today. 1) Why must people on the 2nd and 3rd floors take the elevator? There's nothing worse than having to stop on the 2nd floor so that someone can get on and ride down ONE floor. Stairs, people. Ever heard of them?

Then, they were walking slowly in front of me when they got off the elevator. Maybe they didn't see me, but why can't people be more self-aware. (I think the lack of self-awareness in people is a pet peeve of mine.)

So now I'm thinking I need to go back and address my grade on "kindness" AND "patience."  : )

Goodness: B

But, as Paul would say, there is no one who is good. The good I want to do, I do not do... In other words, only Christ in me is good.

Faithfulness: C

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."  : (

Gentleness: C

It's difficult to carrry a work title of "Controller" and not be a little bit, um, gruff. In fact, I made a comment to my Assistant Controller today that "if someone needs help but can't make time to accept our help, that's on them." She said something like, "I wish you could teach me..." I finished her sentence, "to not care?" I told her that wasn't somethng to aspire to. I need her and others to balance me out, remind me to "care" even when I'm tempted to be done caring. Anyway, it reminded me that I still have some things to work on here.

Self-Control: C

This totally depends on the area of life. In some ways I'm incredibly disciplined. But, I've been highly frustrated lately at my lack of self-control when it comes to living healthy (eating right, exercising, etc.) and being productive in my evenings/weekends.

So, I scored lower than I expected going in. In summary: I have a lot of work to do.

Scratch that. The Holy Spirit still has a lot to do. I just need to be yielded to His work in my life.

Paul's Letter to the Galatians

I just finished re-reading Galatians. We talked a bit about the fruit of the Spirit in our connect group last weekend, so I thought I'd spend some more time there.

This passage stuck out to me in this reading:

22 The Scriptures say that Abraham had two sons, one from his slave wife and one from his freeborn wife. 23 The son of the slave wife was born in a human attempt to bring about the fulfillment of God’s promise. But the son of the freeborn wife was born as God’s own fulfillment of his promise. (‭Galatians‬ ‭4‬:‭22-23‬ NLT)

It just seems so much like my own life. How many times have I tried to "bring about the fulfillment of God's promises" in my own life? How many times have I rushed ahead or wasted my own human strength on trying to accomplish something when God calls me to simply trust in Him. Trust in His timing. Rest in His Presence. Leave the hard work to Him.

Sounds so much easier, doesn't it?

"I Love You"

That's what I'm going to pretend my toddler said to me this morning, though his garbled, three-syllable babble was mostly unintelligible.

Note the Number of Times I've Posted Since Becoming a Parent...

...well, and getting married, for that matter. I was just telling my husband this morning after church that I have no idea when I'm supposed to think, pray and reflect. I've done unfortunately little of any of those recently.

I don't know why I'm mentioning that now, as it's way past my bedtime. So, now's not the time. I think I tell you this, though, in the hopes that I'll do more of all that very soon. I must. I really must.

The Day that Changed My Life Forever

I suppose there are a number of days that have changed my live irrevocably; however, maybe none so dramatically as a few weeks ago when my son was born. So as to not be too graphic for public viewing, I'll just give you a few of the highlights of my labor:

Thursday - I went in on a Thursday night to get the whole induction process started. I was only dilated to 1 cm (as I had been for several weeks). After all night on cervidil, I was still only dilated to 1cm, though I did begin having contractions during the night. These contractions were different than the others I had felt. They were, for the first time, time-able. Though they didn't hurt much, they had a very distinct beginning and were about 3.5 to 5 minutes apart. I called the nurse in sometime in the early morning to ask if we'd still need to begin the pitocin at 6am. We did.

Friday - The nurse got me up around 5 am to shower and get ready for the induction. They began me on pitocin around 6am. My OB came in around 8 or 8:30 to break my water. (I was STILL at 1cm.) She said it was probably a good thing we were inducing, because there seemed to be a bit of miconium in the amniotic fluid, which can signal the baby is distressed. My contracts really strengthened after that. I finally asked for the epidural and some IV medication. I couldn't tell that the IV meds did much, but I'm A HUGE fan of the epidural!!! I could finally relax a bit. I think maybe I had dilated to a "2+" around that time. After the epidural is when things seemed to begin progressing. We were all excited when my OB checked me at 1:30pm and announced that I had progressed to 5cm. I knew it was common to progress 0.5 to 1cm an hour from there, so my family began taking bets on what time the baby would arrive - most guessed that night sometime.

Friday afternoon - Somewhere around 2:30pm I announced to the nurse that I was beginning to feel some pressure. She said I was due to be checked again at 3pm, so we'd just wait for that. At 3pm, the nurse checked me and announced that I was complete (fully dilated to 10cm, fully effaced and ready to push)!! At that point, we were just waiting on the doctor. The nurses had me do a short "test push" and determined that they didn't think it would take long for the baby to arrive once I started pushing. Somewhere approaching 4pm the doctor was scrubbed up and ready for me. We pushed through three contractions (nine pushes or so), ten minutes or less, and were able to meet our baby boy face-to-face at 4:06pm.

What a rush! The room felt like a party atmosphere. My son was on my chest, and I could see him for the first time. What a miracle! What a perfect, perfect gift from God!

Titus Lile

Our son is here!

Time flies...

It so disappoints me to realize I haven't blogged in over a year. Ridiculous! It's not that I haven't had anything to say... maybe I just haven't had the time to say it. John and I found out last October that we were pregnant and due July 3, 2013. Though we were thrilled by the news, we were also faced with some stark realities. John had been aware of an impending layoff from his job, and we still owned two houses. Although we were renting one of those (at the time), we were still taking a loss on it each month. So, in the last nine months we've 1) worked to finish up a house to sell, 2) "lost" a renter, 3) moved houses, 4) listed a house for sale, 5) had one contract fall through, 6) been laid off and 7) temporarily lost a key staff member in my department right before my maternity leave. Needless to say, it's been a little crazy.

Amidst the craziness we began leading a small group in January. It's been such a blessing! John and I debated the timing of the group, given our currently circumstances; however, small groups ("connect" groups) are all about community... which involves being real and transparent with each other. We decided there was no better time to start a group, and we've prayed that we could set an example of walking with God through some of these challenging circumstances.

Furthermore, John and I realized we would need to be much more reliant on God this year, which translates into a much more consistent and vibrant prayer life. We've seen God answer our prayers and provide in the following ways this year:

1) I experienced some bleeding during my second trimester. A high risk specialist advised me to have a polyp, that could be causing the bleeding, removed. Though the procedure would be fairly simple, it's still something they don't like to do during a pregnancy. After our Friday appointment with the specialist, I went in to have the procedure performed the following Tuesday and was told that the polyp was gone! (This is a polyp that had been there the previous Friday and at least a year and a half before that!)

2) I was concerned about my maternity leave, given John's layoff and my limited vacation time. I was given a "time bonus" to help offset what would have otherwise been unpaid leave!

3) John received a bonus within a month of his layoff. His severance pay has also been pretty incredible given the 10+ years he'd been with the company.

4) Though a layoff wasn't preferable, John hadn't been happy at his job for a long time. We really do believe this is God's way of redirecting John to something that he will find more enjoyable and fulfilling. (His initial plans are to take classes toward an accounting degree!)

5) We had an offer within three weeks of listing our house! Though the first contract fell through, we now have a second contract on the house. In the interim, we had the roof replaced and were only out our insurance deductible (on a $17k roof)!

6) I'll use a separate post to write more about the greatest gift and answered prayer: our son!

"Optima dies... prima fugit."

The line above was written by Virgil and means roughly, "the best days are the first to flee." This phrase appears on the title page of Willa Cather's "My Antonia." It also seems to fit Cather's theme. The book is about a man's childhood friend, a Bohemian immigrant by the name of Antonia. Growing up during their youth, life ultimately takes them in different directions, but the friendship they have remains solid. After reuniting after a number of years apart, Jim Burden reminisces with his friend...

"Do you know, Antonia, since I've been away, I think of you more often than of anyone else in this part of the world. I'd have liked to have you for a sweetheart, or a wife, or my mother or my sister - anything that a woman can be to a man. The idea of you is a part of my mind; you influence my likes and dislikes, all my tastes, hundreds of times when I don't realize it. You really are a part of me."

She replies:

"How can it be like that, when you know so many people, and when I've disappointed you so? Ain't it wonderful, Jim, how much people can mean to each other? I'm so glad we had each other when we were little. I can't wait till my little girl's old enough to tell her about all the things we used to do. You'll always remember me when you think about old times, won't you? And I guess everybody thinks about old times, even the happiest people."

I've been fortunate enough in my life to have some friendships similar to this. That no matter the time and distance placed in between, nothing can diminish those memories (some of my "best days") and the beauty of lasting friendship.

Heed or No?

Ever feel the prompting of God's Spirit, close your ears and walk the opposite direction? I did that this last weekend. John and I talked about going to see a movie. We debated several movies and finally landed on one that looked to be funny, though likely would be a bit crude. I knew the Holy Spirit was prompting against it, because I even asked John about the rating on that and another movie we had been comparing. But, finally, I gave in. How bad could it be? I can stomach a few crude jokes or scenes in the name of entertainment.

Well, we sat through maybe half of the movie and were disgusted a number of times by the subject matters and the visuals. At some point, we finally got up and walked out of the movie (way after we SHOULD have walked out). What a waste of a perfectly good $18.00. And it's sad to know I'll never get that hour of my life back.

Lesson reaffirmed: When the Holy Spirit prompts, follow It's leading.