The Mysterious Disappearance of the Green Notebook in the Night

Actually, I don't know that it disappeared during the night. In fact, I have no idea WHEN it disappeared. I just know that I'm looking for a green notebook that I haven't sought out for awhile (apparently). But, it has me very concerned at the moment. I've searched the house high and low. It's one of those things that always seems to be thrown here or there, or up on the shelf in the closet, or buried under a pile of papers, or sitting with my Bible. But, now that I'm looking, it's nowhere to be found. What had me looking at this moment was a poem I once wrote about sitting next to a Buddhist monk on an airplane flight. I'm pretty sure it was in that notebook.

At first I was just missing the poem. Now I'm thinking of some of the other things I had journaled about in that notebook... personal thoughts, things I was struggling through, relationships (yikes!), prayers, random poems. It's a bit disconcerting thinking there could be someone out there who picked up my journal and is now discovering the "secret life of Krista." Hrmmmm....

I don't know... maybe I'll run across it ten years from now when I'm moving some piece of furniture. Or, maybe I'll get to work next week and realize I left it there on a shelf. In the meantime, I'm missing it. And, until it's recovered, maybe I'll blame it on the burglars who broke into my home over a year and a half ago. (I don't think I've been missing it THAT long, but who can say for sure.)

But do me a favor... "if you happen to see the most beautiful green notebook in the world, tell it I love it" (and then please return it to me). I'll pay a handsome reward!

Need a Little Christmas...

I'm not sure why it would be that I have Christmas songs running through my head this week. Yesterday at work I was whistling a Christmas tune (though I can't remember which one), and this morning, I can't shake this one...

"Oh we need a little Christmas, right this very minute..."

Christmas in August, I guess. So... Merry Christmas (a little early), Everyone!

Confessions and Thanksgiving

"Receive my confessions and thanksgiving, O my God, for innumerable things whereof I am silent."

~ St. Augustine

Ember Dawn

My newest niece, Ember Dawn...


Mom & Dad were keeping Ember's older sisters (Erin & Avery) while Sarah & David were at the hospital. David called Mom this morning and asked to speak to Erin. She was the first to receive the official word of Ember's arrival, after which she spent some time (outdoors) announcing, at the top of her lungs, that she had a new baby sister!

It reminded me of way back when... when I was about a year younger than Erin. I remember receiving a phone call from my daddy (while I was staying at MY grandparents' house), telling me that I had a new "blond-haired, blue-eyed baby brother." His name? David Wayne.

Fig Trees

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior." Habakkuk 3:17-18

The Changing Faces of a Family

I'm back, and I survived! This weekend I attended a family reunion that's been in the works for at least a year and a half. Funny thing is... I'm not really even part of that family. It was my uncle's family. But, since he and my aunt were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, it was incumbent upon my immediate family (since my mother and aunt are sisters) to be there for the whole affair.

Friday night we had a cookout at my aunt & uncle's house as the family continued to trickle in. Most families sat with their immediate families, partially because they didn't know anyone else, and partially because their families were also trickling in from across the country. We didn't stay too late, so made our way back to Mom & Dad's pop-up camper to put the kids to bed. My brother and his wife had a convenient excuse not to come - they're expecting their third daughter within a couple of weeks. (I might have explored similar options had I thought about that 9 months ago!) For some reason, my sister thought it would be nice to take their two daughters with us. So, we "big kids" (John, Michelle & me) split up responsibilities for the three children (total, including their daughter, Natalie). In the end it went like this: Michelle was responsible for Natalie (her nearly 3 yr old daughter), John was responsible for Avery (the 2 yr old), and I was responsible for Erin (who is nearly 6). So, it was entertaining, for sure. The highlight was probably bathing. Since we were staying at an RV park, we would go up and take over the bath house for about an hour. The women's bath house consisted of two showers (each with a curtain) and three toilets with stalls that had no doors on them. (It was reminiscent of something from one of my recurring bathroom dreams.) So, it was quite a sight... naked girls (big and little) running around at various stages of bathing and dressing. The adults a bit more discrete, the children not at all.

The camper worked okay for sleeping... 2-3 per bed. Avery slept with Mom & Dad, Natalie with her parents and Erin with me (bed hog, as always). But, it got a little crazy when everyone was up and at 'em. We tried to keep the kids outside as much as possible, though there was at least one occasion we adults locked the KIDS in the camper. That proved to be a mistake, though, as Mom finally checked on them and found that they had stacked up four or five pillows so that they could reach the water faucet to try and get drinks or fill bottles or something.

The actual reunion was fine. They had activities going most of the day... entertainment by several family members, bingo, lots of food, even a few ice breaker type games. It was pretty neat that we all went to church with my aunt & uncle on Sunday morning. We packed out one side of the church with something like 60-80 people. I don't know if it was specifically planned, but the preacher gave a very evangelistic message.

I've learned that I've swapped roles at reunions. I think I actually DID use the line, "I haven't seen you since you were THIS big." (It was a sad, sad moment.) I learned, it's not only difficult to keep track of new births in the family, but we have several combined families, now. One cousin who has three kids married a woman who has four kids. Since they've been married, two of her kids have gotten married and one of his sons is engaged to a woman who already has three kids... one of which just had a baby with his high school girl friend. (Apparently none of the family knew of that baby until they showed up for the reunion. Another interesting note... that makes my second cousin a grandpa at the age of 25... or will, anyway, whenever he and his fiance get married.)

So, it was an entertaining trip after all. :) I survived my piano playing, too. The biggest hiccup was when one of my uncle's sisters-in-law came up to me (while I was playing) and announced she had the same piano arrangements I was playing. "Ah," I told her, "then you can identify every mistake I'm making." She kept talking, which distracted me, and finally I said something like, "I'm sorry... I'll have to talk to you later." I finally got back on track but had to play an additional 15 minutes due to people coming in late. So, I played nearly everything twice.

I'm breathing a sigh of relief today. I survived the family and made it safely back home!

Selfishness

I was reminded again today about how selfish I am. I'm just like one of those annoying and irrational kids, who fuss and pout when they don't get their way... or better yet... who ask for something but then are disappointed and complain when they DO get it. The tantrums look a little different at 33, but they're unattractive nonetheless.

Help me, Father, to let go of this one, too.

Confessions

I'm reading a bit of St. Augustine. I've wanted to read some of his writing for a long time, but I'm just now getting around to it. Here are some ideas that I'd like to explore further:

SECOND COMING: "When He [Christ] did leave the world where our eyes could see Him, it was so that He might return to us in our heart. He left that we might find Him. He departed, and - surprise! - the heart is where He reappeared." --> I don't think he's suggesting this is Christ's second coming, but it made me rethink the coming of the Holy Spirit a bit, and it makes me curious to look at some of Christ's other comments about his own return. I wonder how many of those relate to his coming in our hearts as opposed to his return to earth (i.e. - in the flesh). It's something I haven't thought too much about.

EVANGELISM: "Admiration becomes infectious when the praise is genuine." Augustine was talking of his admiration of a certain orator. His point is that he had an admiration for him not so much because of him or his speaking - but because other friends of his admired him so much. I think he point he was making was that others should notice Christ as a result of our love and admiration of Him. I wonder if people are moved to check out Christ simply because of MY devotion to Him?

LEARNING/KNOWLEDGE: "I delighted in learning, but I had no divine context for what my mind picked up. I had no foundation to discern what is true or certain. I was standing with my back to the light, so that the things that should be illuminated were in shadow, even though they were in front of my face." Wow! Sometimes God is so obvious that we miss Him, because we're trying to understand the things around us outside of the context of Him.

IMPERFECTION: "The promise of satisfaction in worldly loves is an enduring lie that moves the soul to unfaithfulness from it proper lover." The things we chase after in this life leave us wanting, because they're only a slight glimmer of the fullness we find in Christ. We should be thankful for every good gift we have... "If you find physical pleasure in earthly experiences, use the occasion to praise God for these gifts. Turn your love not on the pleasures but toward their Maker. Otherwise, the things that please you will cause you to displease. Love those souls that please you, but love them in God."

A Battle of Wills - Day 5

Friday began well... I beat Erin up by quite a little bit. It gave me a good opportunity to do some packing and cleaning in preparation for the trip up north for our Father's Day Camp Out with the fam. (Note: this would be the reunion with Mom & Dad that Erin has been waiting for all week long.)

Erin finally got up around 11am. I had arranged for us to meet a couple of friends for lunch on the way out of town (for sometime after 11:30). So, my thought for Erin was - get up, get dressed, comb her hair, hop in the car. However, she wanted to eat breakfast. I informed her that we would be leaving shortly for lunch. I asked her to get dressed so we could go, but she refused. She was willing to bargain - clothes for breakfast, but I refused. I was confused by her stubbornness at this point, because she's wanted to go home all week... at that point, we were simply waiting on her to get dressed. One time she said, "Aunt Krista... how would YOU feel if your parents told you you'd be gone THREE nights, and you ended up being gone FOUR nights?!" I said, "so, you're telling me you're being PUNISHED by spending extra time with me?" Regardless, I was incredibly frustrated and expected to just sit across the room and stare at her until she finally gave in to get dressed. Realizing that probably wasn't the best method, I finally "helped" her out of her pajamas and into her clothes. She surprisingly didn't fight me once I got started, so before long we were dressed and in the car.

We joined my friends Matt & Jason for lunch (Erin warmed up nicely for that), hit the grocery store, ran back by the house (to pick up our Father's Day crafts we had forgotten), stopped by the gas station and FINALLY hit the road.

We STILL beat Sarah & David to the campground (shocker) but were finally reunited with the entire family (save John who wasn't feeling well). We had an enjoyable weekend, though Erin and I probably kept more distance between us than on a normal family camp out!! :) I think we both had fun... but were both anxious to rejoin our regularly scheduled lives.

What I learned: Nieces are great, but it's nice to be able to turn them back in. I've been assured (by my sister-in-law) that it's different when you "grow into" parenting a five year old. I guess I'll just take her word on that, and maybe one day I'll be able to judge the veracity of that statement for myself. :)

A Mother's "Free Time" - Day 4

Okay, so I've discovered a mother's "free time"... BEFORE a child has gotten up in the morning and/or AFTER a child has gone to bed. I've gotten a few things done today in preparation for leaving town tomorrow (cleaning, washing some laundry, etc.).

Today's activities included:

Going to lunch with some friends of mine. Erin wasn't too thrilled with that, and even reminded me that her daddy told her "time will go quickly in Tulsa if you're having fun." Implication: Lunch with Aunt Krista's fun = NOT fun. :) She was surprisingly anti-social and was happy when lunch was finished and we were en route to the Tulsa Zoo.

The Tulsa Zoo - we had a great time there, though it was very hot and meant several hours of following Erin around wherever she determined it was best to go. Highlights: The Lion (who had his face in a corner and wouldn't even look at us), a baby chimpanzee (very cute, and even stood face-to-face with Erin at the glass... I tried to grab my camera but didn't get it in time) and ICE CREAM!!!! ('nuff said).

Small Group - Our small group came over tonight. After lunch, I wasn't sure what to expect from Erin, but she was actually very friendly and surprisingly hospitable. During the Bible study, she talked to her Mom & Dad on the phone and watched a DVD. She did very well, despite being upset briefly after getting off the phone.

Veggie Tales - we watched a couple of movies tonight, and Erin fell asleep on the love seat (where I think I'll leave her until morning... or until she moves to the sleeping bag in my room).

I'm still exhausted, though, and hoping to get some shut eye in preparation for heading to Kansas in the morning/afternoon.

New thoughts about being a Mom:

1) You have to look for deals... we got some discount tickets to the zoo from a friend of mine. It actually ended up being free admittance. (Actually... now that I think about it... I guess I owe someone a bit for those...)

2) If I were a full-time Mom, I would need to lay down the law a bit more than I have this week. I've been a push-over for the most part. I suppose it's an aunt's job to spoil, but I would be more disciplined with my own daughter.

3) They say having your own child is different... I wonder if that's true and, if so, HOW it's different.

4) I guess that's about it for now. I'm about to fall over.

The Journal of a Tired Mother - Day 3

Well, well, well... I'm exhausted! It's amazing how there's really NO downtime when you're taking care of a child. Every moment is spent in either entertaining or monitoring. I've found that it's usually when I've left Erin alone (even for a few moments) that she gets a bit weepy for mom. Today we slept in... 'til almost 10am!! :) In fact, when I got up, Erin still wanted to stay in bed awhile. But, we finally had breakfast and eventually made it to the office. (I had a bit of work I needed to get done.) We were there for 2 or 3 hours. Erin watched "Wizard of Oz" in a make-shift personal theatre (large iMac screen and comfy leather-ish chair) in the empty spare office. At some point I was wrapping up and went out to find her crying behind one of the chairs in the sitting area. :( After a hug or two she was fine. We left and went by the bank then checked out a local pool. It was a great pool... not many people, but plenty of sunshine and a few kids about the same age. I was "attacked" by all the kids wanting to play, so at some point had three kids hanging off of me. It was a good day to get out and get some sun. After the pool, we put on real clothes and ran out to the park for a cookout. We took a small charcoal grill I had and took three friends with us (Meghan, Mike & James). We had a good time eating (we didn't drink, because I left the drinks sitting on the counter at home) and playing ball. Erin got "furious" (her own word) with the boys for picking on her. But, it was all in good fun and we came in about dark. Here at home we've been working (yet again) on Father's Day and other art projects. Erin had a bit of a breakdown while I took a shower... she ended up borrowing my roommate's phone and calling Mom & Dad. But, after getting off with them she's fine again. Now, I'm trying to get her to bed... we finally struck an agreement - she'll put on her pj's, we'll play a game of chess (can she play chess?!?!) and then we'll call it a (late) night.

Today's lessons....

1) Kids are EXPENSIVE. (though I suppose I'm sorta spoiling her a bit)

2) I like my adult interaction time and am feeling a bit deprived.

3) Kids are EXHAUSTING.

The Mommy Experiment - Day 2

Day 2 was the first full day with Erin (Tuesday). She was up and around by 7:30. Aunt Krista was still exhausted from not sleeping too well. (Erin, btw, completely denies the bed hog allegations.) We spent the day on the following activities:

Going to the grocery store
Grilling burgers & pineapple for lunch (Erin helped!)
Washing my car
Erin playing in the sprinkler
Playing ball (we got one at the store) - we threw it back and forth without dropping it 75 times!!!
Going to see "Kung Fu Panda" at the theatre - it was a great movie!
Going to Sonic for a late snack/dinner
Watching "Larry Boy and the Bad Apple"

She did get a bit weepy in the afternoon (4pm), as we were getting ready for the movie. She cried herself to sleep on the couch as I was showering and fixing my hair. So... I tried to wake her up before the 4:50 movie time but couldn't. Tried to wake her up again
before the 5:30 showing, to no avail. She woke up around 6:15 (missed that showing, too), so we finally made it to the 6:45 showing. :) But, going to bed last night was NO problem. We both got sleepy watching Larry Boy, so moved to the bedroom after that. Erin preferred to sleep in/on a sleeping bag on the floor, so we both slept much better!

My thoughts so far on being a mom:

1) Nothing works according to schedule. I'm a schedule person, so that will take some getting used to. It may also give me a bit more compassion for parents and/or families who always seem to run behind (i.e. - David & Sarah) :)

2) I'm selfish. I like being able to do WHAT I want to do, WHEN I want to do it. That's not really possible with a child.

3) Children may scare off men. :) More on that later, though, because...

Erin is complaining that I'm writing and that we're not "doing anything fun." So... I don't want to fall down on my responsibilities of being "FUN Aunt Krista."

Off for another fun-filled day!

My Life as a Mommy - Day 1

At the request of MY mom, I decided to try and blog about my week of playing "mommy" to my niece, Erin.

We've been talking about it for several weeks now, and apparently my sister-in-law told my niece that she would get to come stay with me by herself in Tulsa. I guess a day later, Erin asked her mom, "Mom... did you tell me that I get to go visit Aunt Krista ALL BY MYSELF?!?!" Sarah reassured her, to which she replied, "Oh good! I thought maybe I just dreamed that!" :)

I met my brother and sister-in-law on Monday about half-way between our homes - Chanute, KS. We met in a park but decided to grab a bite for dinner at a local McDonalds before hitting the road again. At some point during dinner, Erin sorta broke down and was rather upset at the prospect of leaving her mom. Perfectly understandable, but at some point, she seemed pretty decided on returning home with Mom & Dad. But, finally we got her buckled in, and as soon as we closed the car door and pulled away, we started talking about all kinds of things and she was absolutely fine. (She did seem to think the two-hour trip took an eternity.) But, we listened to a CD - "Bob & Larry sing the 70's." That was quite entertaining. We also played a game - one person would hum a song and the other person had to guess the song. We finally arrived in Tulsa... just after 10pm. Erin was ready to play, but we finally got settled down for bed. I expected more tears, but we both fell off to sleep pretty quickly! Though, I didn't sleep too well... Erin is ONE BIG BED HOG!!!!

Samba, Anyone?

Don't you ever feel like shaking things up a bit? I think that's how I'm feeling right now, though I'm not really sure by what means I would do that. Life is just getting a bit stagnant. I'm ready for it to move along a little.

But, right now I'm listening to the rendition of Coldplay's "Clocks" on their "Rhythms del Mundo" CD. It makes me feel like I should be at some tropical beach party... with tiki torches, fun colorful clothing and sandals. :)

"And nothing else compares..."

"Red, Red Rose" by Robert Burns

O my luve is like a red, red rose

That's newly sprung in June;

O my luve's like the melodie

That's sweetly played in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonny lass,

So deep in luve am I;

And I will luve thee still, my dear,

Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,

And the rocks melt wi' the sun;

I will luve thee still, my dear,

While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only love,

And fare thee weel, awhile!

And I will come again, my love

Tho' it were ten thousand mile.

The Single Woman

"The fact is, sometimes it's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then - to make our walk a little more fun."

Carrie Bradshaw in "Sex and the City"

Well... I finally did it!

For the first time ever I e-filed my taxes. I've been a paper-and-pencil girl all these years. I think I like having all the documents right in front of me. I get a bit lost sometimes flipping between computer screens. And maybe there's something reassuring in putting a stamp on the forms and mailing them. But, I bit the bullet and rather enjoyed the process. It took me less than two hours, and I have a decent refund coming.

The product - H&R Block's TaxCut Free File. Thanks H&R Block! (Throwing a little business Matt's way, too!)

God's Will

I think one purpose of fasting is to seek God's will on certain issues. So, along with that, He seems to be teaching me some things about His will. For example, at church Sunday night, we studied Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane (Mt 26). You get such a sense of Jesus' humanity in that passage as he prays there might be some other way for God's will be to accomplished. But, nevertheless, he prays "no my will, but thine." This evening I was reading in Exodus 5 where the LORD calls Moses to be his representative to Pharaoh. Moses gives every excuse he can thinking of, and when he runs out of excuses he finally says, "please send someone else to do it." Ha! I read that and think, "what a coward!" But... then I realize most of us fall into that same category. God promises to provide all our needs, but somehow when He's calling us to do something we list off every excuse we can think of...

"I'm too busy"
"That doesn't fit into my life"
"I'm too young/too old"
"My friends would think I'm crazy"
"I don't have the qualifications"
"I've/we've never done that before"
"That's impossible"
... and a million more

Finally we plead, "God, PLEASE send someone else to do it." But God doesn't let up. He knows what He's doing. He knows who to send. He knows our backgrounds, our skills, our limitations... He knows it all. And... He still asks of us.

I pray I will be a person who doesn't squirm to find a way out but who courageously steps up, accepts my mission and says, "Here I am, send me."

I love this quote by Dr. George W. Truett, "The know the will of God is the greatest knowledge; to do the will of God is the greatest achievement. The will of God is not always easy, but it is always right."

Amen.

V-day Flowers...

Somebody must love me!! :)

Friend?

I just ran across this poem, and I'm happy to note that I'm not even sure to whom it may have referred...

Friends?

From the first moment you extended your hand to me,
I've wondered what kind of friend you will be.

Maybe just an acquaintance,
someone who might happen to recognize me on the street.

Maybe the casual friend who meets me irregularly for dinner
and occasionally drops me an email to say "hi."

What about that friend who is so close, so deeply involved in my life
that I can't imagine a life apart, until six months later that time comes.
You could be that person.

Or you could be, just possibly, an eternal friend,
one who loves me endlessly,
who despite the time and distance is an intricate part of me.

Only in retrospect will I know who you are.
As for now, I see the possibilities in your eyes.
And I know that you are important, no matter what your role in my life.
For this time, I'm glad to know you.